Maybe someone can help me with a question my 10yr old put to me.
‘A few people (in school) think of me as their best friend but I don’t think the same way, I’m best friends with Bob (not his real name :)) instead, and don’t like playing with the others as much. How do I deal with that?’
My initial response was something along the lines of ‘just be as good a mate as you can and be kind to the others’ but I’m not sure I’m getting the nuance.
Any pointers?
First of all, it looks like your child is well liked among his peers, which is great and something for both of you to be proud of! Clearly your child is doing something right.
Feelings not being mutual can be tricky to navigate from both sides. It’s not clear from your description whether your child considers these other kids friends or not. If he is friends with all of them, there is no problem. He can just continue doing what he’s doing and everyone will be happy. Maybe the other kids just haven’t found their Bob yet, and your kid is the best friend they have even though he plays more with Bob. Best friend status doesn’t need to be mutual.
If he’s not friends at all with someone who considers him their best friend, that can be a problem. If the other kids are bothering him, you have a mild stalking situation on your hands, and your child might need to learn to set some boundaries, or get help enforcing them.
So how to handle this really depends on whether these other kids are bothering your kid or not.
Thanks. Yep he seems to have been like this from the get go, right back in kindergarten, much more of an extrovert than me. 😂
Had a chat with him tonight about this and there’s no ill will, they all play happily. There is one kid who is seen as a ‘problem’ child who is a bit clingy with him but I think he’s less concerned about that and more with any ‘politics’ with the others eg ‘I thought you were my best friend but you’re Bob’s’ etc.
Thinking of making the point that perhaps the term ‘best friend’ shouldn’t be fretted about, as they’re all good friends in different ways.
He understood it doesn’t have to be mutual or exclusive which seemed to help.
Your response is spot on. Your kid can’t control how others feel, but they can be decent to those people.
I think your initial response was pretty good. I would add that someone considering you their best friend is a big compliment. And that it’s good for your son to treat them with kindness and compassion, even if he doesn’t feel the same way.
Also, you could point out that some people have multiple best friends, because it can be a tier of friendship, not necessarily a one-person position. So he doesn’t have to necessarily have only one best friend.
My kid has been in a similar situation. He had a birthday party last year, and three different kids wrote in their cards to him “thanks for being my best friend”. He was confused by this because he didn’t even think he was especially close with two if them. He just considered them as regular friends. So it made him feel a bit awkward. Me bringing up the tier things and pointing out that feelings aren’t always mutual seemed to help.
How did you describe the tier concept in a way he could relate to?
I think I just used the term best friends (plural) and said that you can have more than one best friend. So you could have two or three who you consider equal best friends. I also pointed out that the advantages of having multiple best friends are: a) you can make multiple people feel valued, and b) if they fall out with or drift away from one best friend they have others who are still their best friends.
But if you want to put the tiers concept explicitly, you can probably use athletes or YouTubers something as being the best. For example, you can have multiple ‘bests’ but in different sports. Like Gretsky for hockey, Jordan for basketball, Pele for soccer. They are all the best, but in different areas.
That’s really solid. Nice one. Thanks.
Is the thing they like to do only something him and Bob can do? Or can they find something they can all play together?
This also sounds like a good opportunity to teach him about setting boundaries. Being able to tell the other kids “I want to play with only Bob right now. I’ll play with you guys a different time.”
